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Mugabe, Our Own Katondo Who Had Many Docile Wives

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By Patson Dzamara

When Katondo was born, the midwives noticed something unusual on him. He was born with a red ribbon tied around his left wrist. 

The Nyakureba village elders automatically concluded that Katondo was superhuman, endowed with some celestial powers because of that ribbon. They had never witnessed anything like that before. Neither did they know the meaning of the ribbon. To them, it could only be an attestation of a supernatural act or divine confirmation. 

Due to that Katondo's mother went through prolonged labour, the midwives took turns to attend to her, one at a time. When Katondo eventually started to make his way out, the midwife on standby tied his left hand with the red ribbon before she called the other midwives. 

While the other midwives attended to Katondo, the one who had been on standby when the delivery started went to the restroom to relieve herself. Unfortunately, she suffered a cardiac arrest and died in the rest room. 

Of course, everyone was shocked by the midwife's untimely death but that was eclipsed by the mysterious ribbon on Katondos wrist. Consensus was reached in Nyakureba village and beyond that, indeed, Katondo was a special human being, endowed with supernatural powers. The ribbon and the birth of Katondo were viewed as a good omen pointing towards a divine visitation. In fact, Katondo was an embodiment of the divine, according to the villagers.  

As such, Katondo’s upbringing was that of a king, from his childhood to adulthood. Royalty was his portion.  

Despite the fact that there was consensus around Katondo's superhuman nature, he was very small in stature. He was extremely shy and timid such that he struggled to free flow in the box that society had created for him. Interestingly, throughout his life, Katondo didn't do anything extraordinary and in tandem with his bestowed stature.

When the time for Katondo to start a family came, the village elders told him that due to the fact that he was superhuman, he could have as many wives as possible. In that patriarchal society, women were considered second class and symbols of status. The more women one had, the more powerful he was. 

After a thorough and rigorous selection process, Katondo started his married life with 30 women and he could marry as many as he wished afterwards.

Those women were to adhere to stringent standards, including never asking Katondo about anything. To them and the entire Nyakureba village, he was ever right and never wrong. Anyone who dared to go against that standard would be decapitated.  

Zimbabwe is like Nyakureba village in so many ways. It certainly has its own Katondo whose name is Robert Mugabe. Zimbabwe's Katondo also has many 'wives' whom I enjoy calling Mugabe's minions. 

For some obvious reasons, I still find it hard to unpack Mugabe's seemingly irresistible charm. It seems as though anyone who is close to Mugabe automatically becomes his 'wife', even the males.

Not only are Zimbabweans having to grapple with Robert Mugabe's official wife, the quintessential motor-mouth, Grace Mugabe, they also have to deal with his numerous useless 'wives'. 

Like it or not, the entire Zanu PF party is made up of Robert Mugabe's 'wives' who have been cajoled to adhere to stringent standards just like Katondo's wives.

Developments in the last week left me shocked and led me to conclude that whatever chalice Mugabe caused his bunch of useless 'wives' to drink from, is exceptionally poisonous.

To some, Vice President Emmerson Mnangagwa represents hope for reform within Zanu PF but I never view him as such. I still maintain that hoping Zanu PF or any of its factions or appendages will reform is the same as hoping that Satan will reform. 

How Mnangagwa lampooned people who are touted as being his allies or rooting for leadership transition in Zanu PF, labelling them mad, is not only curious but foolish.

I know that some people are tempted to buy into the useless notion that he is a meticulous person and all this is a part of his grand strategy but I don't see it that way. The bottom line is that Mnangagwa is just another spineless coward. He is clearly one of Mugabe's 'wives'. 

What has to settle in our minds is the fact that none of Mugabe's 'wives' will ever challenge him. In fact, I bet my bottom dollar that most of those who have tried to challenge him and have been thrown out of the gravy train, shall be stampeding to return to him one by one. Hoping that deliverance shall emanate from those 'wives' of his and their cousins, is not only myopic but stupid. 

Meanwhile, the ‘Casanova’ turned 93 last week. He is obviously now much more frail and shrinking daily but he seems to still cherish the pseudo attention and love he gets from his 'wives' who should actually get arrested for abusing the elderly. How this small man has managed to force all his 'wives' to be subservient to him while glorifying and immortalising him is mind boggling. 

After despicable and of course, poor 'sexual encounters' with the small man who is likely no longer even responding to viagra, this bunch of starved and uncouth 'wives' want to help Mugabe rule Zimbabwe to his death and beyond the grave. They want that so they could enjoy unlimited power and affluence for the rest of their earthly lives at the expense of the suffering masses.

Unfortunately for them, this shall not happen because a new breed of leaders is rising in Zimbabwe. They will usher in a new dispensation of prosperity and solid leadership.

A new and better Zimbabwe is possible in our lifetime.

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