Dear Julius – News From Zimbabwe

DEAR JULIUS,

I know you must be very busy right now trying to drum up support in the run up to the local elections; especially after those disappointing poll results.

Just a mere 10% showing in PE, Jozi and Tswana – I mean with all that newsprint and John Robbie as your friend, who would have thought, hey?

Anyway, being so busy electioneering I expect you might not have the time to keep abreast of all the news, so I thought I’d fill you in on the recent developments in your dear friend Robert Mugabe’s fiefdom, up north.


Yes, it seems the citizens are terribly upset about the new import tariffs imposed at Beit Bridge, persistent corruption and the dwindling supply of currency. Things are so bad there that your friend is limiting the amounts of money people can withdraw from their accounts. Can you believe it? And you know, even that desperate measure isn’t sufficient for him to pay civil servants – the few people left that still have jobs – on time. I know how much you care for the Zimbabwean people so I’m sure you’ll be heartbroken by this very sad news.


The folks up north – those that haven’t fled their country in search of job opportunities – are so upset that they’re burning down custom warehouses and yesterday, following a stay-away, the major cities were said to be like ghost towns. Your friend was so upset by his subject’s unreasonable behaviour that he took to blocking Wats App and Facebook. That’s as foolish as our own ‘Cloudy Past’ Motsoeneng thinking he can stop bad news from spreading in this, the Information Age, don’t you think?


Anyway, I thought I should give you this ‘heads up’ so you can prepare for any awkward questions voters might ask about your grasp of basic economics. You do recall stating that Zimbabwe was a rich country, much richer than South Africa, only about two weeks ago? Yes, most unfortunate.


The other thing you might have to explain (given the announcement by one of your commissars on John Robbie’s show about the EFF having adopted communism as the model for economic planning), is that the Zimbabwe Finance Minister is in London right now, looking to borrow some money. Yes, and the thing is, it’s the damned capitalists he’s approached. Do you think the Chinese have decided against giving any more handouts to Zimbabwe, Julius?


I’m afraid I really can’t think of any reasonable excuse for why a rich socialist country like Zimbabwe needs to approach those dirty capitalist dogs for money Julius; so I hope you and your brains trust can come up with something convincing.


I’m sorry if I appear to be carping but I’ve been wondering why the EFF has fared so badly in the polls Julius, and you know, I think I may have the answer. It might have something to do with that silly ‘onesie’ suit you and the boys wear to Parliament. I’m guessing it was an attempt to divert the voter’s attention from your extravagant lifestyle – the Breitling watch, the controversial Sandton property and all that, but seriously – what were you thinking? How can you expect the public to trust anyone who cavorts about in parliament in that ridiculous outfit? If you and the boys feel that clowning is the best way to achieve your goals then why not do it properly; you know, with the oversized shoes, red nose and pointy hat with the pom-pom on top?


One more thing Julius – and this is just personal curiosity: When you and the boys go to the men’s room in parliament, do you stand at the urinal with your onesies round your ankles, or do you all queue for the cubicles like the ladies? Do tell.


Anyway, I realise that there’s so much for you and the team to still do but I hope the news and suggestions will help in preparation for pesky voters who may question your judgement and integrity.

 

Best of luck,

A.C. TREE

 

PS: Sorry to be such a pain but there’s one more thing: given your extraordinary misjudgement of the strength of the Zimbabwe economy and your decision to adopt the economic policies of a failed ideology, shouldn’t you reconsider the party name?

 

News24